The Elders-Black Monkey King
by DiabloLOCO
Summary: Roshi,King Kai and Karin fight and evil monkey.
1. Out of Retirement

The Elders  
Issue 1-Out of Retirement  
  
Master Roshi sat outside reading his dirty magazines and drinking beer while his turtle lay on the porch. This was a pretty damn boring day for them since there were no new threats in the world lately. Goku had gone off to train for a long time, Gohan was going to be married, Kuririn had a family to support, and Goten and Trunks were in school. "This is the life." Said Roshi. "No worries." He then began to fall asleep. Suddenly, he was at Karin's place. He heard the cat's walking stick fall to the floor. "For Chrissake! What are ya doing here? Scared me half to death!" Master Roshi jumped. "AHHH! HOW DID I GET HERE?!" Yajirobe, who was sleeping in the next room, woke up. He grunted and walked outside. "What the hell's goin on? What's the turtle guy doing here?" Karin got up and picked his walking stick up. "Exactly what I wanna know." He said. Just as the turtle master had appeared, so did King Kai. Somehow, his halo was gone. "What's the meaning of this Karin? I was just trying to take a piss!" All of a sudden, the wind blew in a yellow liquid that was splattered on Yajirobe's face. He moaned angrily. Karin laughed. A loud roar shook the palace. Roshi stood up and saw a huge dragon. The dragon looked calm. Then, it began to speak! "Get on my back, old ones. There is some important business to attend to." They did as told. Yajirobe helped Karin onto the dragons back. Roshi and Kai followed. "Hold on tight." Advised the dragon.  
  
A mansion on a secluded island  
The dragon landed outside of a mansion and lowered its head to let its passengers off. A butler drove up to them in a golf cart. "There you are. Hop on and I shall take you to my master." Said the butler, in a false English accent. They all squeezed into the cart and then they were off.  
  
They were taken to another area with a pool and a garden that were a little far away from the mansion. A bald elderly man sat in the hot tub with two younger women, drinking a martini. The two women wore bikinis but for some reason, the man was wearing a nice suit in the hot tub. "Ah, there you are. It's an honor to meet the three of you." The aged trio stepped out of the cart. Roshi saw the women's breasts and immediately jumped in. "This isn't gonna turn out well." Muttered Karin as he walked closer to the hot tub. One of the women, who had dark hair and light brownish skin, shot a flirtatious look at Karin. The cat walked over to her. She ruffled his hair. He liked this treatment. The host spoke up. "Gentlemen, There's time for pleasure later. There is a situation that must be taken care of." He got out of the tub. "We will discuss this inside.  
  
Inside  
The mansion was enormous on the inside. Plush carpets, the walls were a fine polished wood, The trio had never seen something like this. They were led to a conference room. Their host told them his name was Dr.Toka. He had entered after his guests. He came in just wearing a bathrobe. It was not a pleasant sight seeing a man his age in a bathrobe. Roshi almost puked. "A great evil is approaching. One only you three can deal with..." Crunching interrupted him. Karin was indulging himself with the bowl of chocolate mints on the table. "It is called the Dark Monkey King..." The crunching continued. Kai stopped him from eating more. The Doctor continued. "You may wonder how I know all of this. I had a vision and in this vision, the Guardian of Earth spoke to me. He said..." The crunching was amplified as all three of them ate some mints. "He said that the Dark Monkey King was returning after his 10,000 year exile from this plane of reality. He also said that only you three could stop him." Suddenly, Kai let a big one. Then, the wall behind them was broken through. "Wasn't me!" cried the Lord of Worlds. A black monkey in armor floated in. "We shall see if these buffoons can't defeat me." Karin's jaw dropped and mints fell out.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
  



	2. Yin & Yang

The Elders  
Issue 2-Yin & Yang  
  
"So, you thought you'd go and save the world after what happened last time." Said the Black Monkey King. "I may not be as strong as I was before, Yang, but I am not alone this time." He looked at Master Roshi, King Kai, and Karin.  
Right then, Master Roshi did something he would not normally do when there was a threat to the world. He wet himself. Dr. Toka gave the master a funny look and turned his attention back to Yang. "Looks like Yin needs to come back." He announced. The room was filled with a glowing white light surrounding Dr. Toka. He grew shorter and grew a tail. Now, the Dr. was now Yin, the white monkey king. He wore the clothes of a Tibetan monk and had a staff just like Yang's. Yin raised his staff and extended it. He twirled it and threw it at Yang's head, instantly knocking him unconscious. Then, just for laughs, Yin threw feces at Yang. The old ones covered their noses. "Jesus," complained Karin, "someone clean that crap up!" Yin looked embarrassed. "Uh, I'm going to tell you a little about me and Yang." They went to another room. No one was around to see Yang get up and fly away.  
  
Everyone in the house sat around the table for dinner. Yin sat down by the aged heroes to tell them his story. "You see, I was once one with Yang. I was mischievous and headstrong, but also good and compassionate. Once, I was king of hell but that was not good enough for me. I would do anything to become king of this world and this universe. I would fight the guardian of Earth to the death or destroy his entire realm. But my conscience would not allow it. So my dark side decided to take control and split us into two halves. We became Yin and Yang. Yang took my throne and forced me to be in his evil army. We were then engaged into a huge war with heaven. We were defeated and banished to earth. Yang was sealed away for 10,000 years. I was transformed into a human and told to make sure he was never released. It was lonely here, but since there were no sheep, I created all these people around us and eventually made this house." Master Roshi snickered at the comment about the sheep. "I know you have become weakened, Yin, but why have you called us here?" asked King Kai. Yin replied, "There are four artifacts you must find: One is an old issue of Playboy. It can be found in Roshi's house." Roshi's jaw dropped. "I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU ANYTHING OUT OF MY SECRET STASH!" Yin's face turned red. 'I may have wanted to read that, but oh well.' He thought. "No, I was kidding about bringing me that magazine, but there are some pages that are actually ancient scriptures. These pages make up the Book of Kala." Karin raised an eyebrow. "Why would they put those in a porno mag?" Yin laughed. "They didn't want anyone to find the scriptures so easily so they turned the book into the magazine and hid the pages in the back, but they are perverts anyway." Yin finished his dinner and continued. " I do not know where the other artifacts are, but when you find the book, you will find the location of them on the first page." Everyone then left the dining room.  
  
Yang returned to his hideaway. He went into some water to get the poop off of him. "That jackass threw shit at me. I'll kill them all one by one, but first, I need to call Empress Lau." He got out of his tub, put on a robe and spoke loudly into a hole in the wall. "Hello!" an angry response came back. "DON'T YELL SO LOUDLY!" Yang gulped. "I am sorry to have upset you, my Empress, but this is a matter of dire importance." Suddenly, a tall, elderly woman wearing a blue kimono appeared before him. "And what might the problem be?" Yang bowed. "Your highness, my other half has sent the old ones to find the artifacts. They already have the upper hand." The Empress looked perturbed. "Hmm. This could be a problem. We must awaken the soldiers then." Yang nodded and spoke into the hole again. "Awaken." There was a rumble outside of the cave. The Empress and Yang went outside and saw a whole army. The Empress smirked. "We must mobilize them." She ordered. Yang nodded. "Immediately, your highness." Empress Lau fanned herself in anticipation. 'This world shall be mine.' She thought and then laughed victoriously.   
  
Master Roshi, Karin and King Kai were given a plane. Yin decided to accompany them at the last minute. Roshi started up the plane and they were off. They had no idea what they were getting into.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
  
  



	3. Ambushed

The Elders  
Issue 3-Ambushed  
  
The plane landed in front of Kame House. They all got off with slight difficulty. "Getting off that thing is rough on the catheter." Complained Karin. "It's hard on my hemorrhoids." Said Master Roshi. King Kai and Yin looked irritated. "Let's stop whining and find this book." Yin commanded. Karin went ahead of the group into the house. They looked all over the house, not finding anything. They even checked the most obvious places, the bathroom and under the bed. Roshi asked his turtle where it might be. The turtle said to check the fridge where the beer was. The master raised his brow. "Why would I put it there?" Turtle replied, "You were drunk when you put it there." "Must have been high as well." Said Roshi. So, he checked the fridge and sure enough, it was right on top of the six pack that was in there.  
  
They all gathered around the table. Yin transformed the magazine back to The Book of Kala and took a map out of the front of the book. "Hmm. Thought it told the locations in proverbs, but here's a map." He looked on the map to find where the next artifact was. "The next one is a golden sword. We'll find it in the North Mountains." Roshi's jaw dropped. "The North Mountains! It's way too cold there!" "You won't have to worry about that. None of you will live long enough to go there." They all turned around to find four bipedal, insect-like creatures standing in the doorway. Yin rolled his eyes. "You're not filming the remake of 'This Island Earth' are you?" "Who would remake that movie? So what if it's a classic, it's crappy!" commented the bug-man. "Planet of The Apes is a crappy movie too." Said another bug-man. That got Yin mad. "Don't make fun of my favorite movie!" He flew over to the bug-man that made the comment and chopped his head off then ripped out the leaders large intestine and showed it to him. He squeezed it and feces squirted out. The bug threw up and choked on his own vomit. Suddenly, they were surrounded by lots of the bug-men. "Uh, I think we should go now." A white light filled the house and then the four heroes were off to the North Mountains on their plane.  
"Dammit! I was going to give him a Star Wars trivia test!" "We'll do that later, you dork."  
  
Yang paced back and forth nervously. A lizard man approached him. "Sir, they have gone off to find the golden sword. "THEY WHAT?!" Yang jumped at the lizard and bit into his shoulder. The lizard man cried in pain. "You pansy. Send snow troopers to the mountains." The lizard man smirked. "You mean those dickheads that say all those annoying puns?" Yang growled. "They are efficient killing machines, not 'dickheads'." "I'll send them right away, sir." Empress Lau laughed. "They seem harder to control now that they've watched so much TV and so many movies, but at least they have personality." Yang went to his bedroom. "Why did I ever make that alliance with her? I don't need her. I was better off without that old hag. I'll kill her in her sleep and then I will murder those old farts." He lay down on his bed and laughed himself to sleep.  
  
Yin had given all four of them snow gear once they landed at the mountains. Yin showed them where the sword would be. "It says there is a cave not far from here. We don't have to do any climbing to reach the cave. Let's go." They got off the plane and walked to the cave. King Kai had the feeling that they were being watched. He also had the feeling he had to crap. "Wait for me guys. I've gotta go." He went over to a private spot to do his business. Kai was about to squat down but saw what looked to be a tall, fierce yeti. He was so scared that he let one out in his pants. The lord of worlds ran as fast as he could. "AAAAA! Bigfoot's after me!" Some more yetis surrounded the others. One yeti said, "We're going to 'ice' you. Get it?" Only the other yetis laughed. Another picked up Karin; ready to throw him off the mountain. "You're gonna be 'over the hill." No one laughed. Suddenly, a Kamehameha hit the yeti. Master Roshi had fired it then dashed right in front of the yeti and saved Karin and kicked the yeti off the cliff. "Thanks, Roshi." Said Karin. Karin's walking stick let off a powerful energy wave that fried most of the yetis. Only one escaped. Karin said that he had never known his stick could do that.  
  
Later, they went further down into the cave and found a chest. Yin blasted it open and inside was the sword. They emerged from the cave, but then there was an avalanche and their plane went crashing down. Karin cursed under his breath. "Shit!" muttered Yin. "So much for saving all existence." Said King Kai. At that moment, the sword glowed. It seemed to be letting off a distress beacon. The same dragon from the day before came down and rescued them. "Forget about me?" asked the dragon. "Thank the gods you saved us, dragon." The dragon smiled. "Anytime, Yin, anytime. Oh, and you're in luck, I know where the last artifact is. Mr. Popo has it." Yin thanked him again, but told him there was one more as well. The dragon said Dende had it.  
  
In the night, Yang snuck into Empress Lau's room and was about to stab her with a dagger. She could not hear him come in and she wouldn't realize that he was trying to kill her. But she was about to wake up, so he hid his dagger. The Empress turned around. "What are you doing in here?" Yang quickly came up with a response. "There is important business to be done. We have little time." The Empress stood up. "Let me guess, they're heading toward the guardian's palace." Yang gulped. "That is right." The Empress smiled. "First, let's get takeout from that Mexican restaurant. What is it called again?" "Crazy Julio's, your highness." She nodded. "Thank you my dear. First we take Crazy Julio's, then the world."   
Later, there were fajitas, enchiladas, burritos, chicken con queso and many other Mexican food dishes all over the table. Lizard men, bug men, yetis and other assorted creatures ate ravenously. The Empress stood up and proposed a toast. "Ladies and gentlemen, let us drink to a new world order." Glasses of margaritas clinked together and soon everyone was drunk and stuffed. It was time for a siesta.  
  
The heroes reached the palace and asked Mr. Popo about the third artifact: a golden gun. He gave them the gun and then took them to Dende. "They have come to acquire the final artifact so they can defeat Yang and Empress Lau." Yin's eyes grew wide. "Empress Lau is with him?!" Roshi asked why she was important. Mr. Popo explained. "She was the wife of Kala, a former guardian of earth. One day, she was possessed by an ancient evil called Ominous. She became mad and power hungry, so she stole Kala's book of scriptures and his most powerful weapon. She wreaked great havoc upon the earth and soon a great war ensued. Many lives had been lost on many sides, but Kala's forces achieved victory. Ominous would not leave the Empress's body so they had no choice but to banish her to Hell. Just so no one would cause such a disaster again, he hid the book in a safe place and turned it into that nudie magazine. He also separated his weapon into three different objects." Karin approached Dende. "That story was helpful, but there is little time. Give us the fourth artifact." Dende got off his throne. "I will give it to you, but I must weld the objects into the weapon." Yin presented him with the artifacts and Dende went into the next room to weld the weapon. King Kai sensed a large force. "He better get that done quickly, because their army is on the move.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
  



	4. The End of The World as we Know It

The Elders  
Issue 4-The End of the World as we Know It  
  
Yang had a new plan. He had remembered about Ominous. He would sneak up on her in the confusion and slit her throat. Then he and Ominous would become one and destroy his enemies. 'The universe will be mine.' He thought. The assorted mass of soldiers fought armed forces and annihilated them. The evil force had much stronger air, sea, and land troops. There seemed to be no hope for mankind.  
  
King Kai paced nervously. He couldn't handle waiting anymore. "Why isn't he done yet?" Mr. Popo stood next to him. "You must be patient. This is not the time to complain." A big explosion occurred on the ground. An entire city was destroyed along with the island it was on. A whole fleet was destroyed in a split second. Master Roshi ran to see what was going on. "Did they use nukes or did they eat too much Mexican food?" "I'm going with the latter." Said Karin. Dende came out holding an unbelievably big scimitar. "This is Kala's weapon." Dende twirled it around and accidentally cut his own arm off. "OUCH!" he cried. The arm was regenerated after a few seconds. Yin took the scimitar and held it with great ease. He was surprised that he could hold it like that. Dende's jaw dropped. "That means you are the chosen one! But you are about to change shape. A blinding light surrounded Yin. The others covered their eyes. Yin was now a white gorilla. He was not surprised. "Wasn't much of a change? Well, at least I can hold the sword properly." Karin sniffed. "What's that smell?!" Kai turned around. "I think I crapped myself." The smell knocked everyone except for Dende unconscious. Dende had put on a gas mask. "I think that would be a great power if you, the turtle master and Karin fused." He commented. The lord of worlds stroked his chin. "That would be a good idea."  
  
Back on Earth  
Yang's forces were now being hit hard. There was mass confusion on both sides. 'The perfect time!' He thought. A human soldier tried to attack him with a knife. Yang jumped just in time and snapped the soldier's neck and grabbed the knife before it hit the ground. He had Empress Lau in his sight and threw the knife at her. It hit her right in the back of her head. A black mist rose from the hole and floated toward Yang. The mist was Ominous. It entered through his mouth and nostrils. Yang's eyes turned red and he grew taller and bigger. Yang had turned Oozaru and totally annihilated the armed forces and his own soldiers.   
  
Dende's Palace  
"So, if we step on that glowing platform all three of us will fuse?" asked Roshi. Dende nodded. "That's the gist of it." Karin, King Kai and Roshi stepped onto the platform. A golden light surrounded them and then they were gone. In their place stood a cat that looked like Karin with the height and weight of King Kai and wearing the black gi that Master Roshi wore. The creature spoke. "So, what will we be called?" Yin suggested Kaiaroshi. Mr. Popo said that would be too complicated and suggested they be called The Elder. "Simple enough. We'll go with that." Yin put the scimitar in a scabbard he had been given and informed them that Yang had transformed into an immensely powerful being and that they should leave to stop him. The Elder farted and floated in the air. Yin covered his nose. "Ok. You can use your sphincter to propel yourself just stay beside, or behind me." With that, they all left. Dende shook his head. "If they're earth's last hope, God help us."   
  
It was a peaceful day in north city until it was shaken by a very loud sound that sounded like a belch. It was Yang. A squad of police approached him and pointed their guns at him. One officer had a megaphone and said, "You there! Surrender yourself and no one gets hurt!" Yang grinned. "Don't think that threatens me." He hocked a huge loogey which created a huge flood that completely submerged the entire city. Yang laughed hysterically until an energy blast burned his ear off. He looked up and saw The Elder. He peed on Yang's head. "WHY YOU LITTLE!" Yang shot a blast out of his mouth. It missed his enemy and was stabbed in the eye by Yin. "AHHH! You imbecile! You stabbed me in the eye!" The scimitar exited the eye and returned to Yin's hand. "At least he didn't throw poo at you, shitface." Said The Elder. Yang swatted at The Elder and threw him a long way. "NO!" cried Yin. Yang faced Yin. "So much for your friends. Now to kill you." Yang transformed into a gorilla that was Yin's size and held a trident that materialized out of nowhere. "Let's do this."  
  
TO BE CONCLUDED  
  
Note: Sorry about that 'Experimentation' story. Wasn't thinking right when I wrote. I had a stupid idea and typed it. I've gotten angry reviews. I realize it was very crappy and have removed it.  
  
  



	5. Trouble

The Elders  
Issue 5- Trouble  
  
Yin and Yang fought wildly. Master Roshi, King Kai and Karin were thrown away somewhere. He would look for them later, but first, he had to beat Yang. Yin chopped all of Yang's limbs off in one swoop but Yang regenerated. "Have you forgotten that I have the power of Ominous now?" With that said, Yang stabbed his good half in the chest. Yin cried out in pain. Yang bashed him on the head, knocking him into the water. Yang laughed victoriously. "Now none shall stop me!" Just then, the scimitar was glowing as it shot up from the sea. It ran through Yang, removing the evil spirit from his body and then returned from where it came. Ominous then became a humanoid form that landed on what was left of the island and picked up Yin's unconscious body and put him on the land. Ominous soon became a bright, glowing energy being. "I am now Kala, thanks to the scimitar. I thank you for freeing me, Yin. I also thank Yang for freeing my wife." Yin was then healed. Yang's body was buried and Kala took his weapon back where it belonged. "Thanks Kala." Said Yin. "Now I've gotta find those old geezers."  
  
The old geezers in question were bloodied and bruised from their rough landing and had ended up in a bar, drinking themselves silly. Master Roshi saw a bunch of monkeys flying around his head. "Damn poop flingers!" he said, as he swatted at them. He then unwittingly punched the man on the stool next to him and knocked him off. The guy stood up and brushed himself off then punched the hermit in the face. "I ain't no damn monkey!" This ignited a bar fight. Roshi and Karin were thrown out the door, but King Kai managed to hold his own for a while. He slid someone across the bar and farted at him and peed on him. The bartender pulled out a shotgun and shot at the ceiling. Everyone was silent. "Who the hell started this shit?!" he demanded. All the people pointed at King Kai. They ganged up on him and threw him out the window. Master Roshi had almost gotten up before King Kai knocked him down again. Yin stood in front of them. He rolled his eyes at them. "Guess I can't leave you guys alone for too long." Suddenly, someone threw a beer bottle at Yin and hit him in the head, knocking him out.  
  
When Yin woke up, he saw a familiar looking duck standing before him. The duck looked angry and said "What the hell are you starin' at!?"   
  
The End  
Next time: The Elders meet Duckman  
  
  



End file.
